Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It will be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of put. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But yes, sure, let us have A further place in which American men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer you everyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly soft electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he ought to prevent using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked concerning the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from House, a aspect currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, labeled.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It is really not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options

Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium wherever guests may perhaps ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local weather Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Community Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"

The ad campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% reported "the place's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The venture is already attracting focus from Global investors, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will even consist of:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article Trump Tower Damascus about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a resort wherever my PTSD might have transform-down service."

Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences counsel:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Closing Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."